It seems like bad is going to worse, then going to worser. I know worser isn't a word, and I am just about at the point where I don't care. I don't really know how much more could go wrong at this point. I really want to just lay down and cry, but I've just about completely shut down emotionally. I cried enough last night.

Our aunt's fiance went down into the basement yesterday to get out the furnace filter for us so we can get a new one. He saw that in the drywall on the ceiling there was some mold, which means there is water in the basement. We told the maintenance guy yesterday, and he said he could take down the drywall. Then our cousin, who is an insurance adjuster, came over because he heard about the mold and decided he wanted to take a look for himself. His news wasn't good, wasn't good at all.

He said that the problem is much worse than just the ceiling. All of the joists holding the house up are molding, crumbling, and literally falling apart. We can't continue to stay here. We don't have the money to move somewhere else. I'm supposed to go to our cousin's house today so they can help us start the legal process of contacting the building and health departments and stuff. The real kicker is that I can't even contact our landlord because he does everything through the maintenance guy, who is worthless. I guess I shouldn't even say landlord, he's a slum lord. I plan on filing a lawsuit against him once we go through the building and health departments for them moving us into a structurally unsound house, for one, with the main joists rotting through. Then also putting not only us, but our five year old child at serious health risk from all the mold.

I just don't know how to handle all of this. I thought being off of work, getting my dx, and trying to find the right combo of meds was enough, but apparently not. I want to just shut down and make it all go away. I blame myself for not inspecting things thoroughly enough when we moved in in May. I hate this life, that makes you think you're at your wits end, then throws something so bad in comparison at you, that you're left staggering and trying to figure out what you've even been hit with.

I'm looking around at the house and it's sad. Even though it's just a rental and rented from a slumlord at that, it's still our home. It's the place our daughter started school, the place my gf agreed to marry me, so much is here, and now it is all going to be ripped away by the cold hands of fate. There are times we still miss our apartment, and we chose to move out of there, I can't imagine what moving out of here is going to do.

I think I am just completely past the point of feeling right now. I guess I at least have enough to fill the hour I have with my pdoc today. I really just want to go to bed for a couple days right now, but sleep isn't really an option. I have way too much to do. I just don't know how to handle all of this. I'm really ready to just throw in the towel and give up. I don't want to deal with this. Every time I go to the pdoc my meds change because my bp seems to be going from bad to worse too, with every med change. I was in my first mixed episode the past couple weeks. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to break things, but my emotions are shutting down, and I just don't know what to do.

I'm sorry for the novel, it's just too much to handle on my own, especially when no one else really understands what a roller coaster I know this is going to put me on. I mean, my gf is upset, but she can see past the bad and say everything will be okay. I can't see that light at the end of the tunnel.