Stop "shoulding" on yourself. I understand completely how you feel, I feel that way a lot with a few brief periods of I'll beat this thing in-between. Remember that we are, by far, our own worst critic, we will tell ourselves things we would never tell a friend who was feeling the same way. Please try to stop hating yourself so much, to just give yourself some of the same love you would give a friend. When I have the moments of wanting to fix this I try to do something right there and then to help prepare for the bad times, a littler preventative maintenance I guess. Best of luck and I hope you feel better soon, but until then here is a virtual hug.