OMG! I thought I was the only one who did this. I get scared of feeling good and I don't trust good situations cuz I know they will either end or that my bp will get the best of me and I will screw them up! It's almost like, at times, that I just wish the episodes would be constant so I could just learn to get on with life without the normal times which seem like constant reminders of what i can never have!

In other words... it breaks my heart every time things start looking good for me and then "it" happens. All the good goes away and I'm left in a worse position than if the good never happened! and my heart breaks every time it happens.

getting over it too, takes longer and longer each time, kind of like I'm in this suspended animation after each episode that this happens.

I fear it, too. not the fact that episodes happen, but what the consequences are.

I actually have anxiety, really bad and I tend to jump ship and run every time I connect with someone cuz I already know the outcome and I don't want to hurt like that again. Lately, I have opened up to two people, and left myself completely vulnerable again.

for the first time people know about my bp and they seem rather protective over it, but I know that will change and I couldn't bear going through that again.

but James, I totally totally get it. Your safe here.