|
Just really struggling with this time of year and feeling like I am floating and lost. Seems as the days get shorter the nights feel like they never end. Even awake in the day it feels often like I am lost in the night. Terror and dreams plague me when sleep comes, those inside often feeling as if they cocoon so close almost becoming hard to breath at times. I feel I am running yet cannot seem to get anywhere but right there in the midst of it all. Sometimes it feels like I am being pulled down in quicksand, struggling to stay enough above so someone knows I am here.
Somewhere knowing that I need to talk and reach out yet finding it so hard to do either, often shutting me down in a fear that no words can describe. Silence feeling like it is so close yet a piercing scream within that I cannot seem to find. I feel somewhere I am being pushed to be okay when the world is awake but when I am alone thoughts and feelings that are not good often times feeling like something is going to happen and safety feeling far away.
Those within I've asked to step up and help me are trying hard, but not even those within can stop the screeching discord I hear or the feeling of some kind of doom lurking close. Words seem to swirl in my head but are so often twisting when I try to write or talk, making it frustrating at best to say anything at times. Even though there are many times during the year it is difficult this time of year surrounds so many secrets and terror, it seems darkness surrounds every part of me even in secrets and flashes that right now have not come together, yet somewhere mean something and tugs at my heart.
Emotions seem to be high, tears fall out of no where, and I often wonder what it all means. Maybe deep inside I know more than I am willing to say or even look at for it is there that holds me hostage to my own thoughts and fears. It is there everything almost comes to a complete stop staring at me and almost daring me to say anything at all. Though I am not alone, it feels so alone, and I feel I push everyone away sometimes even myself and those within that surround me for safety of ourselves. It feels everything comes to life in a way often for the first time, that place where the very breath felt it stopped and I was no longer a part of myself.
Sometimes I feel so afraid I am losing myself somewhere in it all, or maybe it is my own fears blocking what I know now to be and the safety of today as there was no safety back then. It feels hard at times to find today in all of the memories and fears that are right there. The dreams seem to pull those today that are safe into them making it hard to trust, yet knowing in my mind that those safe today were not there, it seems so real when I cannot pull myself out of that place or stop their faces from appearing. But so often their faces begin to distort and change to those of the past, always laughing at what seems my terror and the questions of trust and the feelings no one is safe.
There is an eerie feeling surrounding me and it is familiar yet at the same time almost like a long distance away, making one question their own sanity. It feels I am descending into hell, a hell known yet hidden, felt yet distant, there yet disguised. Seeing parts of the whole but not all, maybe afraid to really look. It all becomes so real all over again. Time lost to some, pulls me back sometimes feeling like it never moved at all. Sometimes seeing myself in the mirror at other times not knowing who is there----but somewhere it is all me. But knowing that and holding onto that is sometimes confusing in and of itself.
I do not know if this says anything at all but I feel it and am trying to reach out. Words sometimes feel so big and I feel so small yet they seem to fill this screen. I feel scared and lost, but I am trying to keep reaching out in it all and not disappear or completely lose myself. October seems so black, blacker than any other time, and right now the blackness feels it is engulfing me......
dps
|