My moods right now are severe, and up isn't one of them. Defeated, lost, feeling futile, racing thoughts/the "DO SOMETHING TO STOP THIS NOW" compulsions/depressed. On top of infection I'm trying to get over still, which renders me unable to do hardly anything physical, like clean. The nasal congestion is making it hard to breathe through my nasal sleep mask at night. My dr said it was ok to not wear it for this short duration so my face/neck can stop hurting and inflammation go down. But the catch22 is then I'm sleep deprived---even when I sleep it's not restful without the mask. So my sleep has been varied and little.

PMS has reared its head again. That's a huge part. I see the gyno next week, and I hope against hope they have some ideas on how to deal with this awful week and half pre-period, on top of the awful physical manifestations during it. For 3-4 days out of the month I can barely get out of the bed due to all the pain (including my legs).

I want so much to start driving again, but I have to get my car fixed. I want to clean this pigsty. I want to start losing weight now that I have my exercise bike. But I can't do any of it until my sleep is back in order and my sinus infection is gone.

Had two Panic Attacks yesterday, after going 6 weeks with only one occurring. This feels like a huge setback, though I know it shouldn't. I talked to my T today, she listened but wasn't much help...just said I needed to do what I could to take care of myself, avoid negative ppl/triggers, get sleep, etc. My friend's hopefully coming over tomorrow--maybe we'll get some stuff done.

I am in the trenches. My anxiety right now has on its punching gloves; it's ready whether I am or not. My T bringing up cortisol levels & how the constant raising of its levels causes stomach fat--which i have--and the anxiety/panic trigger over and over did not help me at all. I feel like I'm responsible for all this----so it's my fault I raised my levels? I feel like my entire internal system is ready to split into shards at any moment. The upside of full Panic Attacks are they leave me so exhausted all my brain wants is sleep.

I've done the best I've known how for three g*dd*amn years; i've done everything my P-doc, every doc, T has told me. And I'm still here fighting the thoughts, wishing I could be wrapped in an at-home straitjacket before bf goes to work so I know I can't hurt anyone and nothing can hurt me.

I hate being alone like this. Yet this house is so disorganized. I feel trapped. I don't have the money--or the mental stability--to get my own place.

Cyclecyclecycle. I can't stay with anyone because everyone works all day. I know I've been here before, as my T said, and it will ebb away. But it's so hard. I'm Bipolar II, the not-so-fun one. And with all my meds and all my tools, my head/emotions remain my on-again/off-again enemy.

Please, no advice. Don't tell me to do anything. I already have all the tools.