I still feel guilty about the fact that I continued to go back to visit the guy who molested me. The fact was the molestation was not as bad as the loneliness that I felt as a child. He said he loved me and what he did didn't hurt and was to a degree exciting. So I totally understand what you are saying. For many years I blamed myself for being raped because I did keep going back until he raised the stakes and really hurt me. But you know what? It isn't my fault and it isn't your fault for feeling pleasure. Of course it takes time to work through all that stuff, as you well know. I still feel guilty darn near every time I pleasure myself and that was 24 years ago. On the other hand I didn't start trying to get over this garbage until about 4 years ago so that doesn't sound quite so bad.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft