Hi Granit,
This must all be so hard! I agree with everyone who says that you need to just take care of yourself right now, and decide about therapy later.
MKAC stole my response (smile), but I'll give my own version
I'm not at all surprised you've decided not to return to this t, though I'm sorry it's so painful for you right now. I've always questioned the fit of this one for you. It seems that the "good" sessions were few and far between, and that the pain and strong feelings, and questioning yourself and your t's feelings towards you after sessions, and everything else was just so overwhelming for you. That it was a struggle week after week about whether or how much you'd be able to talk that session, and then how would your t react?
It seems that sometimes your t would know how to respond to all this, like the session where you talked about your past experiences with the group homes and how talking about goals triggers you. Other times, (I'd say most times) she really hasn't handled the situation with the sensitivity that I would think it warrants. Knowing you have so much trouble talking, not reading your writing, or forcing the issue just seems counterproductive. Furthermore I think she has said some things that were harsh, like the comment about "My mouth is dry from all the talking we're doing," and other things.
I think you need a t who can work with you in other ways besides talking. Perhaps someone who does expressive arts therapy. This would be using art, writing, drama, music, and movement to help you access and get out the pain that you're feeling but without the pressure of talking. To me, at this point I don't think regular talk therapy would do much good for you. You've obveously tried it for so long, and it doesn't work, because you have so much trouble talking. And that's ok. There's no need to beat yourself up about that anymore. If you do go back to therapy, you just need to find a t who can meet you where you are, someone extremely comfortable with working in silence, and who is skilled at doing things not in a traditional way.
If/when you're ready I could help with researching such a t.
I'm here for you, as we all are on here. It took courage to just go in there and tell her to her face that you weren't going back. Remember that too.