I went with a friend to get my nails done after posting this. It was nice to get pampered, but the fumes of the chemicals got to me. My head was swimmy, felt out of it, lightheaded. Sort of wished I hadn't gone, in a way.
Afterwards my head was throbbing, my face/neck hurting as well.

My bf got home shortly after, and a massive Panic Attack occurred....body convulsions, incoherent muttering, etc. As it started to die down I talked about wishing I was dead, that I don't have the strength for this random-ness, much less every month. Said I felt like I was losing my grip with reality---genuinely concerned I was going to dissociate into some other realm. Terror, terror. My mind still spiraling, thoughts of hurting my dog (on the bed w/me) arose; "Hurt her, you know you'll feel better." "Shut up!" (These are not actual voices, more just thoughts, aside from me saying shut up.) My bf, always my rock, rubbed my back, saying, "Let all that stress out, honey."

I called my mom, she didn't answer. The attack slowed down. Still felt unnerved, so I called again and she answered. Another panic attack, though not as physical. Sobbing to her, tired of this, I'm such a burden on everyone. Fear my sinus infection won't get better and I'm going to end up in the ER cause my throat's closed up (didn't help my therapist suggested keeping in back of mind if my random throat issues continued seeing an ENT. Great, another dr).....gotta love the imagination in the midst of madness.

My mom is not always very patient or comforting, but she is when I'm in Panic Attack mode. She listened nonjudgementally, reminded me this will pass, as it always does. But that's not good enough. It is not good for my brain or body to deal with this, even if it has diminished significantly, even if technically I can't die from or lose my mind from anxiety. Especially when I don't have a "safe" person with me. Need a new sleep mask; someone has to drive me; only transportation makes me irritable. Need to get car fixed; limited transportation. Circle after circle after circle.

I took ibuprofen, headache is mostly gone. I am now more worn out than earlier. I'm trying to consider this a good thing. Hope sleep is sound.

The terror of one day losing control, despite my meds and T, never leaves me. I've told my P-doc and T this; they've not provided any advice or reassurance. I just...don't have anything else in me at this moment.

Thank you for all your hugs and words, and for not telling me what to do/everything's-going-to-be-ok. If that were true, people would never commit suicide. I'm not saying I will or want to. But it is a fact.