Trigger warning, sui mentioned, child sui mentioned.

I think it is really bad time of year for me. More of us than usual are in a bad place. I expect it to pass. But the thoughts I'm having are not good. I've got rage and anger and feel like the only place to turn it is on myself.

The only reason I stay here is for my youngest, he is so attached to me, and it would ruin his life if I left him. I've done a good job with him, he's responsible, hard working, kind. I feel like my older 2, I've already ruined their lives. I didn't know how to be a good single mother to them and I blew it. They're 18 and almost 17. They want nothing to do with me. I know this is the nuts talking, but I don't think they'd barely notice if I were gone. My daughter only cares about her pot and she can live with her boyfriend. She can get SSI for her bp and be taken care of. My son only cares about any drugs he can get his hands on, I can't control a single thing he does. He has kept me awake for 2 nights in a row. I can't help him or control him, I'm insane, I'm inept.

This time of year, 4 years ago, these dates exactly are when my daughter was 14 and o/d'd on aspirin. She'd been out of control partying, sneaking out, doing a ton of extasy. I trusted another mom to watch over my daughter because she was refusing to come home. This other mom turned out was doing drugs with the kids, and giving my daughter vicodins, valiums, and other opiates. (no wonder my daughter wanted to be there so bad) I went over to get my daughter and this woman screamed at me not to take her. I brought my daughter home, and my daughter told me she was going to kill herself and make me watch. Told me I wasn't her mother, and that this other drug woman was her real mother. So she took the bottle of aspirin, and her life was barely saved at the hospital.

About 3 weeks later a 14 year old friend of my kids, also hanging out at drug lady's house, shot himself and died. This woman had been telling all the kids how horrible life if and you'll only die when God wants you to die. I hate this woman, she had sex with a 15 year old runaway, and told me about it and told me she found my son sexy. I reported it to police but they couldn't prove anything.

I have major rage issues and I want to die, I want off this planet, they've won, evil has won, we don't have a chance to save this planet anymore.

That's just how I feel, I won't leave because of the kids. Even though the older ones act like they don't care, they do, and they need me. They don't have any other parent who cares about them. I just need sleep. I need older son to quit the evil drugs so I can have harmony in my house and sleep at night. He's choosing his own horrible path, refusing to go see the probation officer, they're going to just come and take him eventually I figure. Now I have to try to tak him to his pdoc appt, which will be a battle getting him to go, it's court ordered, $400 I have to pay whether I get him there or not. Insurance does nothing. F . M . L .