Yesterday, I drank a couple of glasses of wine with something to eat. A few hours later, when it had worn off, I became extremely depressed.

After hours of crying and being in despair, I took a pain medication. I didn't take it for physical pain. I took it because it sometimes reduces depression. That takes about 3 hours to happen. Last evening, it took 4 hours. It did help a lot. Also, I woke up feeling a lot better today. I believe I can cope with going out of the house.

I know I am crossing over the line into misuse of things to try and feel relief. I felt so bad yesterday that I would rather be dead than feel that way. I don't mean that to imply that I am having any suicidal tendencies. I am not. I have no history of that. The problem is despair. It became so bad yesterday that I couldn't stand it and wanted anything that could relieve it. So I took the Vicodin for mental pain. I'm glad it worked. I don't want to make that a habit. If I did, eventually it wouldn't work.

I do not trust my doctors. I feel I have to figure it out alone. Yesterday, I was desperate. I feel better today. It's because I took the hydrocodone. I will eat, get dressed, and go out to do some errands.

I don't have a history of drug abuse. I'm very used to having bouts of bad depression. They are getting too bad to endure. Now my main concern is relieving the extreme distress that comes sometimes. That's how it was, yesterday. I found something that helped. I was glad it did. There is a risk that this could become a bad habit, and I know that could lead to bad distress, also.

Part of what seems to be overwhelming me is that I have no good friends to turn to for support or understanding. I do have some people in my life who have pretty serious problems, themselves. They come to me for help, and I just feel I can not continue to be involved with them, when I feel this bad, myself.

I thought that being alone was my biggest problem. It is not ideal to be alone. However, I seem to be getting more distressed when I am with any of the few people I do know who bring their problems to my door, or call me with their problems. I think I want to put kind of a wall up. Thank God, I live alone.

Just a little while ago today, I got a call from an old co-worker who is retired and recovering from heart surgery. She is lonely. She's a good person whom I respect. Still, it becomes stressful for me when she wants to do a lot of talking and not so much listening. I listened for a while, then told her that I have to go make lunch.

It's cold in my apartment and the there is no heat yet. I can get under a heating blanket to get warm. I guess I'll do that now. I feel so relieved to not be in the despair I was in yesterday.

I need to go to the library and get out some books to read. Watching TV is getting to stressful. I think I will make a decision to not turn on the TV today, at all. Also, if anyone calls me, or I run into anyone who wants to tell me about their problems, I will have to cut it short and say I have things I need to attend to. I need to take care of myself.

Right now I just have to get warm. I should bring in the electric space heater that I have in a storage closet. It's only 55 degrees outside and only 64 degrees inside my place.

I have to protect myself from negative influences. This is kind of rambling and maybe off the original topic. It does help to put my thoughts down somewhere.