I had one doctor in high school want to put me on risperdal. I said no way, the side effects of that I think are worse than the feelings. He was the same moron who out of the blue questions me about my acne. No, I hadn't even thought about it until you brought it up moron. If a session with him was over, it was over, and if you were still in the middle of saying something, he would cut you off and say the session is over, you have to leave now. I went to someone else after that. The moron doctor, he was the physical embodiment of an overweight Freud. He even talked like it bc he was German. I do have psychotic features, and obsessive features that go along with the depression, like falling in love with someone and then they are all you can think about. I don't just mean a crush or a passing fancy, I mean like full blown love, can't get him out of my mind, have to visit his work just so I can see him type of thing. I've always been that way. And I always fall for someone I either can't have, or that doesn't feel the same way. I don't know if it's a subconscious fear of commitment, which it might be, because I've had three boyfriends in my entire life. I'm almost 30. I want a relationship, but I don't want to be smothered, I need my space, even though I would like to spend time with someone who cares about me, but if I need alone time, I need someone who will understand that. I haven't had a relationship in 8 years. I haven't had ANYTHING in 8 years. Except loving someone I can't have. Actually, three someones, one a former professor of mine who was married, although on his behalf he had feelings as well, we just never acted on them. The second was a woman I worked with who was in an abusive marriage and had feelings but was afraid to leave her husband bc he might kill her. Then when I moved back to NC I fell for my boss, a married man with a daughter only a few years younger than me. He's in his late forties. My first boyfriend was in high school, I was a senior, and he turned out to be a total weirdo so I left him. My second boyfriend was when I was 20, he was 50, and my mom found out and that came to an end. My third was a guy that turned out to be a very close friend of mine to this day, but he's a recovered drug addict and recovered alcoholic with some mental problems as well. We decided to remain friends because he ended up becoming sort of like a brother to me. But the man that I love now, I wake up thinking about him, I go to bed thinking about him, I dream about him. I wake up crying. I go to the store and buy stuff just so I can see him. I only go in if I see his car in the lot. Then it's like I've had my fix, I can go home now. But then it wears off, like a drug, and I wait a few days or a week and I have to go in again. Find something to buy, cat food, home goods, something so that I don't look like a total weirdo coming in there. The only thing is, there are some things that I need that are only carried in that store, so I have to go in anyhow. If he only knew, he'd probably think I'm a horrible person. I am a horrible person. Loving someone else's husband, loving a man almost 20 years older than me, someone's father. A beautiful man who I don't think people appreciate enough. Especially his employees. I can't see how someone could just walk by him and not notice what an incredible, awesome person he is. It's one more element in my depression that when it takes ahold, it doesn't like to let go soon. It can take me a year or more to get over someone. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get over him. Now that I don't work with him, I will be better off, that's for sure, but on the other hand, not seeing him literally makes me feel sick. I'm not a threat to anyone or anything, just a sad and lonely person who would like someone to care for her and treat her well. Someone I can spend my life with. Someone who I won't end up making just a friend out of. I have such a bad habit of doing that with guys and girls I like.