Hey there, friends. It's nice to see you two being the first to respond. Though, I'm somehow not surprised; in a good way.

Powertools: This isn't just a chemical and personality issue? My amygdala and pre-frontal cortex are, for lack of a more graceful term, broken? Yeah, I'm mentally ill and a lot of my self-hatred is unwarranted. Rome wasn't built in a day; just burned in a night. I'm working on things and I don't think I'll rise from the ashes of my autophobia with just a few kind words. I appreciate it, but this is going to take time. I am intelligent and I did have a lot to offer. What truly pisses me off is that I lost hope in being able to live up to my potential. That's something I'm working on, too. Sometimes I don't even see myself polarizing things to black and white. There's no middleground for me; all or nothing, no matter what. If that's what you say, I'll try to accept that.

If she read this point, where, once again, I've shared our personal information with random strangers, insulted and cast blame upon her, and said very cruel and bitter things. Maybe I'm paranoid, maybe I've learned from experience, maybe I'm depressed, maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment, but I don't think she's approve of this. The last thing she said to me was "I don't hate you, you're just an idiot." Maybe you're right. I've been trying not to punish myself as much as I do, but it's just so ingrained in my nature. It's just hard.

If you don't mind, I'd like to hear your story. My first DBT appointment was yesterday; again on Tuesday - after my job interview. The moment. "Concentrate on the living force" as Jedi Liam Neeson once said. My anxieties make this difficult, but I'll try.

Longleaf: I really wish I could believe that. At least I'm not the only one who's made these mistakes; which, honestly, seems like a very callous thing to say. It's nice to be understood, but not so much aware that others have suffered as I have. How in God's name did you last decades with this? I can barely last a few months. That just seems unreal. I can only imagine how much pain you've had to go through... Maybe it's just been about never since I've gotten used to positive affirmation, but I just don't understand how you think I'm courageous. I ran away from all my problems and ended up getting more - which I ran away from. Maybe I'm just looking for someone to help build up what I can't see about myself, but I just need this. That's one of the things I've always hated: I'm intelligent, too much so. I can see all the flaws in someone as smart as I'm suppose to be that's driven by emotion.

I barely managed to nab three more hours of sleep last night. Going out with my "friends" in a little bit, so I'm going to put up a fake smile and try and get my mind off things. I put quotes on that because I've been too afraid to commit myself to this group. They're wonderful; I'm the one who's not a very good friend. It's not that I don't care about them, I do. I just don't know how much to put into this. Everything seems like too much. God damn it, I just need someone to hold me. Is that so ****ing wrong? I'm a gigantic ball of self-hatred and misery; why is a ****ing hug so much to ask for?