Well, at least T didn't have diarrhea of the mouth today, but now I know why she had it Tuesday. She slept for the first time in 5 nights last night and that was only because she took Benedryl. If I had not slept in as many nights, I would be actively hallucinating.

She took me in a bit early, which was nice of her since my session lasted until the last minute before her next appointment. We shot the breeze a bit (see above) and she asked me about me having my house cleaned yesterday. I told her it was the first time I experienced joy in months. I've been in a good mood today, so it was difficult for me to go to session.

The next 20 minutes went like this:
T: Have you had time to think about anything since session Tuesday?
Me: Yes (then spent 5 minutes talking around it).
T: *Rolls eyes*
Me: What was that?
T: I'm not being sarcastic, I recognize your pattern of avoidance.
Me: Isn't that your job?
T: Yes it is (laughs).
Me: *Meandered around 3 subjects*
T: I really lost you there; could you draw me a diagram (draws diagram in air)?
Me: Really?
T: Who do you think I am?
Me: Are you saying you're the pot calling the kettle black?
T: Exactly.

So I went into the 3 fears from last session:
She said there's 3 common themes there for me: "annoying", "pathetic", and "rejection". She said I say those words or similar every time I reveal something which makes me vulnerable. I said that I couldn't believe that I did not (and still don't) remember revealing that information before. She said I reacted the exact same way; she even remembered that I buried my head in the arm of the couch both times. This exchange occurred which is really helpful to me when T does this:

T: So how did you feel Tuesday when you revealed that information?
Me: Vulnerable.
T: And what do you worry about when you're vulnerable?
Me: Being rejected.
T: And what does it mean when you're rejected?
Me: That I'm annoying and pathetic.
T: And what does it mean if you're annoying and pathetic?
Me: That something is wrong with me.

This led to one of our talks about assuming the worst. She said that I have a tendency to do this when I feel vulnerable and I told her I knew. She reminded me that it's a pattern which took 30+ years to develop and it will take time to learn a new pattern.

We went into the concept of empathy and discussed it for a while. Within this, she revealed something vulnerable on her part to me. I mentioned that I think I will know I'm really making progress when I finally cry in session or with someone else. I asked her about the time she cried when I read her a thank-you letter I'd written to her. I said I thought she seemed embarrassed about crying in front of me. She said she wasn't embarrassed about crying. She said that she felt unworthy of what I'd written; that she didn't deserve it. I said, "Really?" She nodded sheepishly. Here was "the picture of emotional health" saying that she felt undeserving of gratitude and praise from a client.

This pretty much led up to the end of session. She revealed a couple of things to me:
1. She was a cheerleader in high school (ugh).
2. She feels jealous of me in two ways: the thickness of my hair (her hair was really thick before chemo) and the fact that I was able to get my house cleaned so well.

I realized after I left that she never answered how she felt about my making excuses about exercise, asking for the longer hug, and wanting me to go away. I know that isn't the most important part, and I see the fact that I realize that as progress. However, I wanted to ask, so I sent the following email:

I should have asked this in session (it was a very positive and helpful session for me, by the way...thank you). I realized once I left that we handled my issues with being "annoying because I made excuses", "pathetic because I asked for close touch", and "she wants me to go away for both and for revealing" on my level (which is the most important). But how did you feel when I did these things...especially the hug?

I also consider it progress that I am able to handle whatever answer she gives me. For example, if she was annoyed about my making excuses, that's more about her than me.

This was really a good session for me. I'm glad I went (because I was so busy at work, I seriously almost forgot)!