Teeter-tottering on the edge - I can feel it. Just give me a push - and I'll fall off.

I know I'm complaining about nothing once again - but dammit I hurt. People trying to help me in real life, too many people leaving me and nobody there. Try to tell people about me and get choked up and can't speak and lie through my teeth.

Sick of school, sick of my family, sick of my same old boring bloody life day in and day out.

And yet... and yet...

I do nothing.

I was told today to consider the fact that I don't want to get better, that I don't want to change and that I found it easier to be miserable than to try to change and be happy.

And you want to know something? That stopped me. Cold. Dead in my tracks. Because it hurt. Because just maybe its true.

Maybe I'm broken beyond repair - maybe my only enemy is myself maybe I make mountains out of molehills and maybe I dont have anything to overcome, nothing to get over and maybe I don't have to change.

Maybe this is as good as it gets.

I remember being happy. When I look back though - all I see is someone pretending to be happy - that would cry at the drop of a hat - who would bottle all her emotions because I couldn't ever show them because my family wouldn't understand and nobody could help me.

I've never been worth it. I can help others all the time, day after day until the end of days and it will do squat in helping me. It makes me happy - but its temporary. Who's to say I'm not just doing it because I feel the need to anymore, and not because I want to? No, I need to clarify - I like to help but I don't even know if I'm being more a help or a hinderance anymore. How can I help when I can't help myself?

I can't stand myself - and people leaving just seems to say that nobody else can stand me either. Which makes me a selfish spoiled brat because people have their own lives.

I think sometimes I might just be living to help others - because you all are worth it. And I don't feel I am.

I heard the most interesting comment from two friends of mine - who heard it coming from the mouth of another. This person claimed that I was "cursed" with my disability because I had sinned. What a load of crock - but it seemed that the more people who found out about it that I was less bothered than them. I spent all of today trying to convince them to not do anything or say anything on my behalf to this girl. (I spent more time defending her and saying I deserved those comments and that she was just being ignorant than admitting - hey, they're right something does need to be done). I am perfectly willing to let sleeping dogs lie. Yeah, it hurt like *bleep* but what am I to do? You know how many insensitive comments I deal with on a weekly or monthly basis? Or how about everything else that is negative in nature? I am not talking about those who try to help - those people are wonderful. Its everyone else who subjects me to that sort of stuff that really bothers me.

I am so ticked at the world right now ... but thats nothing new. I could blame it all on myself - every single thing wrong in my life and in the lives of those I care about around me - but we all know that would be taking it a bit far.

I wish I could have a do-over. I wish I knew what I was suppposed to do. I wish I knew how I am supposed to be, how I'm supposed to think, how I'm supposed to portray myself.

I don't know who I am - nothing new really.

I don't know what I'm doing with myself and I don't know how much worse I can possibly get before I fall off the deep end.

All I wonder is this ... why would anyone try to save me from myself?

It ain't worth it. I'm not.

PS. Sorry for it being so long - I tried to stop but it kept coming out.