I can't stop myself right now ... I feel the need to continue - that could be because it is almost 4am, I went to bed at 3am yesterday and only got about 5 hours of sleep or it could be because this is the only thing stopping me from thinking things I shouldn't be.

It hurts being me because I'm the only person who is supposed to have power over me and when people treat me in a certain way and I react ... then it becomes my fault and my problem. Which completely screws with my head.

You know whats amusing? I used to attend a Women's Issues group. It was run by my first counsellor - and she was wonderful. First few times in group we talked about random things and then focussed on one thing. Self-esteem.

Or my lack thereof.

I've felt like a burden my entire life - I know distortions and whatnot are causing a lot of my problems - but I honestly feel like a good chunk of the reason why my parents are divorced and still hate each other after about 12 years and why my mother never really seems happy and truth be told neither does my father even though I don't see him an awful lot (like I'm going out to my cousin's wedding for three days in October - it will be my first time seeing my dad - let alone the rest of that family in over 20 months). I feel like such a failiure as a daughter and I know my family would never actually tell me that to my face (they are very good with the emotional hints though - the verbal abusive ones hurt too much so they're saved for only certain occassions when I really **** up) but I know I've let them down.

I was born flawed - not just physically, but emotionally estranged (and different) from my family and cognitively not as equipped to deal with certain things. Christina - the atypical human being.

My sisters are brilliant - and I'm proud of them but I (secretly) wish that they'd fail at something, anything at all just so they could realize that they aint perfect. They need to learn it -- my only disadvantage is that I learned the lesson from day one.

My extended family doesn't know what to do with me - they can't be mad at me for living, they can't pity me and they still can't try to convince my mother to not have me because she made that decision some 20 years ago. They can't ridicule me for trying, and yet they don't see the point in encouraging me - who would encourage a girl with a disability who's doomed to be a failiure and be a nobody?

You could say I have a lot of unresolved issues on the front of my dealing with my disability.

How do you deal with something that is a fact of life, never ever going to change and that you have no control over? How do you even begin to come to terms with something when you don't know the other side of the fence? How can you be taught by those who haven't gone anywhere remotely near where you've gone to love yourself for who you are?

I don't love me. And I advise nobody to do it either. I'll just let you down. Push you away, hurt your feelings, lie through my teeth and avoid you like you've got the plague.

Easier that way. Easier to not hurt anyone else, to not get hurt further myself by people. I know you all here are wonderful and nice but you're all a special group that I will never find in person.

Whats the point anymore?

Now that I've started with some good old-fashioned self-pitying -- please ignore the following below...