Blue,
I really do think this becomes a horrible time of year for us. You are such a caring person and no matter what your telling yourself I know you've been a loving and thoughtful parent. It's hard being a parent with BP and your job is that much harder being single with 2 BP kids. Please try not to beat yourself up about the past. It can't help. You did not ruin their lives they have years to fix their miss steps. They will one day appreciated the love and struggles that you had raising them. You are not insane or inept. I don't know any person healthy or otherwise that could handle your situation with such unconditional love. It is not inept to need help.

You've been asking for help so long for your family and it has fallen on deaf ears. I wish probation took you seriously in the first place. Hopefully your son can find his way if the courts allow him to go to a good rehab.

I know what it feels like to want to go, the world's won but Blue it's not going to be forever. The rage will subside and depression will weaken. You have to fight, show your children it's worth fighting BP. Unfortunately, this may mean going back to your pdoc, a new therapist, and finding a temporary safe place for you and your youngest.

We love you here very much. I wish you could vent all your rage and negative feelings here.