Your relational life, up to the age of 30, sounds a lot like my own relational life, up to the same age. (You would be surprised.) With all the talk we hear about mood disorders, and psychosis, and symptoms of this and that mental ailment, we tend to forget about the horrendous stress that is brought about by loneliness. I'm sure you're aware of it, but the doctors we go to seem to under-appreciate the weight of that condition. It's not a normal way for a human to live, and it can make a person psychotic - IMO.

When I was 30, I went to the library to research suicide. I also started reading novels, which I seldom do. The work of John Steinbeck interested me because he seemed to understand loneliness. I think great novelists can understand a lot more about life than a lot of psychiatrists do.

For someone who might have psychotic features, you sure are a very coherent, lucid person. I suspect you are intelligent. That can be a mixed blessing. Dim-wits are more easily contented than smart ones. I base that, partly, on my reading of biographies, which are about my favorite thing to read. Talented people can get pretty psychotic when they are frustrated enough. You may be a person of creativity and passion, who has not found a good outlet for your abilities.

I'm not saying that you should change your job. But there may be a lot more to you than what gets tapped into at the place where you work. This can create a misalignment in life. It can limit you from activities that allow you to fully develop, and it can narrow the circle of people that you come in contact with to people that you don't connect all that deeply with. So you're left with bumping into whoever happens to cross your path. That's what happened to me.

Something that I would recommend to you - and to myself, while I'm thinking about it - is to circulate among whatever is available in your community that attracts bright, passionate people. Political party work, Poetry Circles, Animal rescue, etc. etc. Mainly, sample a number of different things and be prepared to do some boring stuff to contribute to the group. It's hard, if you have a full-time job . . . I know that. Still, it might pay off better than going to the store to buy stuff you don't really want. That's a maybe, but I think life closes in on us when we stop experimenting with what might, or might not, enrich us. You've already figured out that you're going down blind alleys. That's a great insight to have. Risperdal might help you. But, as you point out, it might also hurt you.

If you've been able to be successful at jobs, at academic work, and at making some friends along the way, then you may be, basically, of sound mind. Still, anyone can disintegrate mentally, if they are lonely and frustrated enough. Examine the circumstances of your life, as you have been doing. I think a series of dead-end relationships means that one needs more social experience in more fruitful environments, engaged in more fruitful activities. That's actually what I'm telling myself. Also, I think it's good to expand your reading of others' experiences - whether fictional, or historical - so that you don't have to learn everything from scratch. We don't live long enough to be able to do that.