I hate this. I hate this. ugh... i hate that I started talking about this. I hate that everyone now knows that I have a condition. I hate that my life is so restricted now. I hate that I can't escape this stigma with people. I hate that I can't have fun, feel so blah... I hate that I know that I'm getting depressed... I hate when I know i'm hypo, dysphoric and terrible hypo... I hate that I know this ****. I want to go back to not knowing and not caring. I want to go back to self medication.

It's what I want, not what I am going to do. I just hate this and I want so much. maybe so much more. like I used to have. when I was indestructable and nothing could get in my way. I want to go back to dreaming big without thinking it's just hypo. I want to be normal. I don't want to hate this but I do. It screws everything up. It makes me want to just quit, where as before I didn't have this excuse, i didn't have this crutch. I just had something I had to beat. but now there is a name and it's changed everything for me.

did it change things for you...too? I want the old me back. but I can never go off meds and this I know. it was terrible before. but it's terrible now. and now I have a name to it and it's just not just me. ugh.

I don't know why that matters but it does.

Do you ever hate yourself for this? I do. I really really do even though I try so hard not to. I don't want to see anything good for myslelf right now. ugh.

I am so full of hate it's not even funny. I just hate. it's who i am right now.

I hate that I hate.