I am so sorry that you are in so much pain today. Everyone on this forum understands your pain. An undying pain that occasionally slips away but when it is present, which is almost all the time, is completely all-consuming. A pain that you are willing to do anything, including self injury and suicide, to abolish. And it seems like a cruel joke for those of is who found ourselves dealing with such pain in mid-life, whose pain only came back with age, with circumstances, instead of becoming less. And I too understand the I don't care feeling you are currently feeling. You know the tricks to make it better, but you somehow feel as though you deserve the pain and it shouldn't be taken from you.

I don't have a miracle cure or even lot of suggestions and I'm sure nothing I say wouldn't be something you haven't heard a million times before. The coloring book may work, or any hobbies or things you enjoy doing that can be a distraction, but I know your mind is reeling where no distraction seems worth it. Try. If you fail, try again.

If nothing else, know that we "get it", we share your pain, and we'll help in any way we can. Yes, keep posting. Let this be your sounding board, the place you vent. Please take. Know that it doesn't last though it seems to never stop at times. We, I, am here for you.