As to why it took me so long, I have no idea-- as I said, it wasn't a conscious process. I suppose my mind was trying to protect itself, but it did me no favors-- the feelings of abandonment and loss were just paved over, not addressed or neutralized, and the pavement finally cracked. Memory gaps are very common in BPD; there may or may not be things you can't remember. This could be something to explore with your T. How am I handling things? Not very well yet, but though I'm only at the beginning of the process, I can see that the DBT tools offer real promise. I've had some (spotty) success with short-circuiting lifelong knee-jerk reactions, and as powertools said, you haven't had that long to build up entrenched behaviors. There is hope!