I think it's probably the level of stress in my life right now or something. Everything is just swirling so fast lately. Anyways, I'm not in crisis right now or anything, but I am confused by the way I'm feeling.

Ok so I have not SI in almost five years. I do struggle from time to time. Usually the depression starts weighing too heavily or my anxiety kicks in so high it needs to get out. It gets hardest to fight when this like pressure inside of me starts building up. It's kinda like being squeezed inside out and I feel like I might actually explode or something. I know the 'need' deep down, ya know.

But here lately it's been different. Between AD and some life changes I have started working towards finding myself again and learning to be happy. I have felt a lot better in general. But I have been having a lot of reoccurring SI thoughts. I've remained strong thus far and haven't acted on them. But it doesn't come with the pressure inside. There's no intense need, just really obtrusive thoughts, that turn to visual mental images. It's like I'm really considering it. I want to do it just to shut the thoughts up, but it's not accompanied by the usual self-hate.

I'm so confused. Any advice or words of comfort are greatly appreciated.