My husband and I read this article about how to keep a marriage going when one of you is bipolar. The one thing it emphasized is good communication, which lead to a long talk about our marriage, my illness and how we can help each other. He said the biggest thing is I have to keep him posted on how I'm doing and tell him when I'm not doing well so he can help me.

Tonight I admitted to him that I've not only had thoughts of self injury but have been doing it. I showed him where I have dug my nails into my arm and told him about the huge bruise I put on my hand while he was out of town. I did that by repeatedly hitting my leg. I admitted I still want to hurt myself, mainly when I get frustrated or really mad. Tonight I was frustrated with the kids and kept thinking about hurting myself. I've had random, very brief thoughts about suicide. That he doesn't know about. We've agreed I need to call my psych, get in to be seen and determine if I need to see her more often, be admitted to the hospital or do intensive outpatient. If I hurt myself again between now and Monday I think my husband is going to go with me and tell her he thinks I need to be admitted to the hospital. I really want to avoid that. My youngest is only a year old and is not going to do well with Mama being going for 72 hours. My insurance won't pay for more than 72 hours, no matter what. Ridiculous. I also want whatever decision is made kept from my parents and siblings. There will be hell to pay if my parents find out I've been admitted to the hospital again. I'm not sure how to keep it from them if they call. Granted, if I'm admitted Monday I can call then and they won't think anything about not talking to me for a few days.

I hope we make the right decision, whatever it may be. Things are looking pretty dark from my perspective. At this point I can honestly say that why my husband stays with me is beyond my understanding.