So tonight is Friday, the night my husband gets drunk with his online friends and plays video games all night. They do it every week.

I am resentful of this because I work 40 hours a week and I feel like if anyone should be kicking back and winding down with friends it should be me. Instead every Friday I'm taking care of the kids.... My husband doesn't work, and currently my mother-in-law watches the baby all day. Me and my husband have been fighting about this problem a lot and over many months.

So tonight I took the baby to lay down at 9 p.m. I then lay there for 6 hours in the dark while my husband was off in another room having fun. I didn't get up because we co-sleep and I don't wand to leave the baby alone. I got very angry and full of racing thoughts. I think it was worse than normal because I've not had a very good week at all. We were already fighting most of the week, but I'm just feeling completely unimportant and after things that were said, even though we're not fighting now. But also feel if I try to communicate it, then he will just not listen and start another fight. When he came to bed he asked me why I was still awake. I just said "because it's Friday." He went to sleep, but I got up and went to his stream (he live streams these games on the internet.) His friend was using his stream.

So in a complete rage impulse, I logged in as someone no one would recognize and started talking about how I worked 21 hours today and wish I could have fun on a Friday night. I think his friend realized it was me at last and banned me from the channel.

So now I'm feeling guilty. I shouldn't have done that. I guess I was thinking if his friend realized that someone who works all the time doesn't get the same privileges as my husband, he would relate. (His friend works full time.)

I know what I did was wrong. I don't know if his friend will tell my husband or not. I'm guessing he will and we'll have a huge fight (again.) But I just had to share it with anyone who might just understand these type of impulses.

I started my lithium today, maybe that will help this?