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Hi, please bear in mind I am just a confused and wondering person who has no clue themselves, about much. So with my reply and thoughts keep that in mind because this may be no help to you and I am sorry if this triggers you or anything like that.
You say that your death would bring “peace” peace of what though? who for, you? or the other people in your life?. I think that maybe you need to look deeper at that thought of yours to understand why you may be feeling in such a way or where these thoughts are steaming from. However I am no expert here just another lost person, so only you can really know what may be of use to yourself or what may be best to just disregard, as looking into such thoughts can cause much more harm than good, sometimes, as it can be painful and hurt to work through some underlining thoughts and feelings bring them to the surface.
Personally yes there have been times where I will find a reason to make something justifiable or ok in a sense. Like you I will tell myself in those certain set of circumstances this or that is ok to do, even though in reality it is a very bad thing to do. I think because this is to do with something others may shun or have such strong opinions about you feel then need to justify the thoughts and feelings. In a sense of if someone found out then it wouldn’t be so bad because of this or that makes it alright, maybe this is what you are doing. Not necessarily entertaining the thoughts themselves but more entertaining the thoughts existence in your life by finding a way or mean to fit them in, if you can understand me on my last thought.
I am sorry if I was no help to you. I hope you well and I wish you all the best MIP
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