Hi Nikki! The beginning of recovery can be very difficult. You're doing some really posative things for yourself though! You're going to a doc and you've come here for help. That's awesome! I know that feeling of worthlessness. It will pass. I too have manic depression. The road of getting to the correct meds can be a challenge, but you can do it! You're not alone. Many of us here have been through it. One thing that has been important for me to remember is that I'm not my illness. When my illness is active I feel a bunch of negative stuff, but that's not who I am. I too have found that counseling has been extremely important in recovery. Especially with manic depression, the feelings can be so overpowering and the self talk can be so negative. I need someone I can meet with every week who can help me see what's real. I pushed away a bunch of people too. But the real friends never really went away. Feel free to write to me. Good luck! Annie