i doubt very much that it would get that far. he asked me what i want him to do and i said "i dont know" to which he replied "what would you do in my shoes", and i replied "leave" so he said he would and that it will be in a few weeks, which i think is fine.

i feel really drained right now. ive been crying loads. he went out staright after our talk and i dont know where he went. i feel really bad. im so tired from crying tonight but i cant sleep, its 1:17am here and i have to get up at 6:45am to go to work. i just cant face it but i cant stay home tomorrow, i have to go in.

i feel like ive let my deceased mum down. i feel ive broken her heart and that shes watchin me now feeling so ashamed of me. did i do the right thing? i dont know what to think anymore.

ive written my brother a note saying that it isnt easy for me to deal with the fact that i was sexually abused and i just need space. i made it clear too him that i wont be telling my dad or the police etc, as long as he leaves and gives me the space i need. i also said i wont hate him forever, im just doing what i need to do to be able to let it go.

he said some things earlier that hurt me. he said things tht made me feel like he saw me as some sort of a toy to "play with" and that made me tell him i hate him for what hes done. whether that was the right thing to do or not, i dont know. i havent given him the note yet, ive just written it, im wondering whether i should wait until tomorrow to put it in his room or do it now before he comes home.

i am so sorry if i seemed desperate when i first posted this thread. i was in the middle of talking to him and i was having some sort of panic attack. i just need some people to talk to, just so i dont feel so isolated right now. i feel so lonely and i just need to know theres people there for me.

thank you for listening. id love to hear from you.