I am learning that I do not perceive or portray prominent people in my world very accurately. I still dont have it all yet, but as I am starting to see it, I feel really bad about the way that I have misrepresented people. It wasn't intentional, and everything that I have said has felt very real to me at the time, but it still isn't right and isn't fair to the people I talk about. Maybe I should just never talk about anybody in any way, just to be safe. Part of me must have known it all along too, because I have felt very uncomfortable about the possibility that they would see what I said, and then I would have to face my distortions, as well as their hurt and anger about what I have said. That thought is so, so scary! I always distort things in the direction of me being picked on, I guess because I am comfortable playing the role of a victim. It tends to get people to offer me support and caring. Maybe that's the only way I know how to get that.

People I distort include my family (husband, sister, parents - maybe my children, I'm not sure) and my therapists past and present. I can't even tell what is real and what isn't. I feel like I need to take some things back that I have said. Some of you will know what I am talking about. Even though I complain about people and tell about how they are harsh with me or cause me discomfort, those things are my reactions and I do like and respect these people. Then I feel like I need to clarify and defend them from other people's negative feelings towards them based on what I have reported. I am confused.

Rap