so, i'm a 30yr old single female. this is my problem: my mom left my
dad&me when i was a baby and i didn't meet her until i was 14, and that
meeting was arranged upon me insisting. i never felt as if the two of
us really had a connection, we saw each other once a year after that,
and it'd usually revolve around her self-pitying herself and asking for
money. my dad is now 80, his brother (my uncle) is 85. the two of them,
brothers, they raised me. my mum died in a car accident 4 years ago.
so. mom was never there, and dad/uncle never loved me. never said they
did (what was actually said, repeatedly, was "you're here to take care
of us when we're old"). when i was a kid, i wanted to learn the piano,
they said they don't have the money. same as they said for everything
else. they wouldn't let me shower more than once a week because i was
using electricity to heat the water. other children at school made fun
of me stinking and so on. i bought my own books for school, clothes,
everything, since i was 14. from when i was 18 and onwards, right now
as well, i pay for half their bills. i live in a rented apartment, so you can guess this isn't easy for me to do.
they never cared about me, they just treated me as help. i cleaned
their apartment, bought their clothes and so on. they're also
alcoholics (because "they never had women in their lives because of me.
because they had to take care of me." - i don't know how they "took
care of me", since the only thing they gave me was a bed, and a huge
feeling of guilt and a feeling that i owe them for that bed).
when i was 12, i was sexually harassed by a relative, and my dad didn't
do anything. didn't talk to me about it, didn't send me to therapy
(which i wish he had). nothing.
as a kid, i tried really hard in all
ways to make them love me. i was a valedictorian in elementary and high
school. anyway. i've always liked helping people. this is probably why
i didn't leave them. i've read a fair amount of
psychology/psychoanalysis/spiritual books to be able to help people,
and i seem to be helping friends that talk to me, but i can't help
myself. because i don't really believe in anything. this has gotten to
the point where, when i was 24, i ended up in a relationship with a
severely depressed, highly intelligent and very self-destructive guy,
the relationship lasted for 3 years, during which time he stopped
taking antidepressives, got better, and then dumped me (while i was
pregnant) because "i was old & bitter". i was 27, he was 29 and in 2
weeks, he got a new girlfriend who was 21.
so, my question is - how do i stop destroying myself. people, as far as
i know, think of me as competent, tho unlucky because of coming from a
poor family, but "she'll make it".
no, she won't. i feel as if no one ever really loved me, i feel like i
don't know what to love about myself, i've lost all goals and dreams in
life, because it's been like 6-7 years since i last knew them... i have
no sense of self-worth. my soul is empty. nothing makes me happy. i'm
in a natural science college (almost done), i used to have this drive
to help the nature and the human kind in my work, but i've lost that as
well. i have no wants, no wishes. most days i feel like it'd be easiest
to kill myself, and i probably would have if i didn't feel the
obligation to at least stay alive until my parents die.
i engage in promiscuous behaviour, take drugs, basically do anything to
at least feel something sometimes. but, ofcourse, it fades quickly, and
all that's left is disgust and shame.
i don't have many friends, because i act asocial (when i'm not
drunk/under the influence, then i'm funny and the joker of the party),
i just feel terribly embarassed (for no particular reason, just for
being me) around people.
what do i do?