You have had a very sad life and you certainly deserve so much more than that. The first thing you need to work on is learning to love yourself. You sound like a very nice loving, caring person but you don't know how to give yourself credit for that. Please try to stop the promiscuous behavior and the drinking. Neither of those things is doing you any good. The behavior you exhibit gives you a false sense of security in the situation that dissipates quickly when you get sober. You need to go to the mirror and really see the beautiful person that is looking back at you. Introduce yourself and get to know her. No one has ever shown you how beautiful and important you are in this world. Look into your state programs and see if you qualify for aid in paying for Therapy. I think you really need to start with that. Talk to your doctor and tell him/her how you feel and what you are doing. You may be able to get meds and a referral to therapy that you can get aid with. Try to get in touch with a good life away from all the people who are using you for their own means. You deserve a good life and love and you can find it. You are in my prayers.