Thank you to every single one of you who were so supportive to me. unfortunately, i went to bed before i saw any replies so i didnt read them until 10 mins ago.

i went to bed last night a mess. i was crying, shaking and feeling really sick. what i did took so much courage for me it felt and it felt like i dragged my insides out. i cried myself to sleep last night at about 3am and 3 and a half hours my alarm went off for me to go to work. i was wasted today.

it was so hard to go 8 hours of work today keeping my emotions in, no one in work knows about my abuse and so i had to hide behind a shield all day and pretend everything was rosey, that was so exhausting in itself. i had no one to talk to and felt just as alone as i did last night. i nearly started crying a couple of times today but had to restrain from it. when people asked me why i looked so unhappy i just told them i was really tired. which wasnt a lie really, i was.

i didnt leave that note for my brother last night, i wrote it but didnt want to give it to him, i wanted to see how i felt like today. i will re-write it in an email form and email him it.

when i left work this afternoon i had a text from him saying "alright si? sorry if i said things that were out of order, just didnt know wot to do or say. just shocked youre being like this that was all...all i can say is sorry and that i wanna sort it out as much as you do. try to think of me as being a new person since then. that person i was - obnoxious - is dead now". i still want him to leave though, im not backing down. i will acknowledge that he is sorry but im not backing down. he needs to have back the feelings he gave me 9 years ago.

i have been feeling really guilty today, he has been made redundant and he leaves in 1 week and has no other job to go to, and he is being given £8000 (british pounds) redundancy pay which he was going to use to pay off his £20,000 debts. he used that to try to make me feel guilty last night but im not accepting it from now onwards, i felt guilty all day but that stops now. he is 24, he should be able to move out by now and he has to learn. i am thinkin gi might say to him that he can stay here until he gets another job, then i want him out, but i dont know really. its not even my house, i live with my dad too.

i dont know if i will hate him for ever, thats not for me to judge yet. in the email i will send i will say that he needs to give me space otherwise i will hate him for ever.

i do feel better about things now as i did last night, and even this morning. i just need a darn good nights sleep and i will see how things are tomorrow. take it day by day.

i am glad i have done it (confronting him) because it has taken huge wieghts off my shoulders and even though i feel guilt, i am quickly dropping this, its just an aftershock thought that will fade, and already is, fast.

i think what he doesnt like is the fact he thought he could remain un-punished for what he did and he didnt expect me to do this. i am such a stronger person now and i dont think he likes it. loads of people around me still expect me to be shy and quiet, and really nervous. and when they see me stand up for what i believe in and not back down, it shocks them. which is good for me because the new me is here and people need to accept it.

again, thank you so much for the supportive words, it has picked me up after a hard day, and i will pm most of you shortly personally thanking you for your help.

take care and speak soon