I saw my counselor today and we talked about a lot of different things. I did end up telling him about the razorblade being in my purse and how I cut my finger on accident. He said he knew people who have quit smoking who still carry cigarrettes with them. He asked what if a child gets it. I work with kids but I told him that I have it in a seperate pouch and my purse is locked up at work. I said no one gets in it. He said but you do and you cut yourself on accident. He said I should maybe wrap it up. I dont him maybe Id do that. He didnt seem to weird about it but I told him I was embarassed and regretted telling him already. He asked why I was embarassed and I said because its hard to explain and I feel weird about it. I just feel like I cant take it out because when I was so desperate before I used whatever I could find at work like a staple or thumbtack because its all I could find and wasnt satisfying enough. Im afraid if I feel like that again I wont have something and I will end up going and buying more things like I did this time. He asked me if I feel comfort having it and I said yes I do sometimes and others crazy.

Im surprised I told him but am a bit embarassed still. I told him how afraid I was that Id get caught somehow with it and be found out that I have been doing si off and on again this year. And I told him how I NEVER EVER want to be in a hospital again! We discussed why I was in them before (twice). I told him he has no idea how awful it was not having freedom and being watched 24/7. I explained how the first night last night I was freaking out and was scratching my arm and the lady caught me and sat by my bed with the light on staring at me ALL night long. Hes a preacher so he said he has visited people in psych hospitals before and has been behind the locks. I tried to tell him he has NO EARTHLY IDEA how it feels to be locked up and not have freedom. I feel like youre a goldfish in a bowl...you make a move and they see. You swim behind a rock and they follow you to see where you go. I remember being in a mood and going to my room one night in a hospital and the attendant followed me and was calling out to me in the bathroom to check on me. I hate it! I said Im never going back and he told me he hopes I never need to be in a hospital again. I told him I in fact do not think I needed to be then!

I get so freaked out thinking about it! I get scared and I told him so because I worry talking about it that someone will freak out and get me put away. He assured me that nothing will leave the office we talk about unless he felt I was in danger of taking my life or someone elses but he hasnt had a reason not to trust me. I told him Im not a danger to myself.

Besides you cant be put in a hospital for cutting. He asked if I was still not taking my medicine and I wasnt what I had been put on before when I saw him but I am taking seomthign else. So far so good.

I AM NEVER GOING BACK TO A HOSPITAL AND ABSOLUTELY NO ONE CAN MAKE ME EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!