I know that this isn't going to come out well but I have to state what's obvious to me. Given the fact that you're wife is very mean and degrading, no one's gonna blame this on you but... that being said, the fact that you didn't state the temptation you faced in with your friend and that you are clearly attracted to her is something that is feeding the jealousy of your wife. I am sure your wife would also find a way to be jealous anyway but it isn't helping that you are still so close to one that you were tempted by. You said you enjoyed the feelings while you were both manic but didn't do anything. In my mind what you're having is an emotional relationship which could be perceived as an emotional affair. I know that you come up empty in your relationship with your wife but and that's an issue that needs to be dealt with separately but could it be that you're filling a space with this friend?

Now I am not about to tell you that your wife is doing nothing wrong, please, hear me out. She is unfair and mean, you deserve better. I am not one to promote breaking up of relationships as a solution, so my suggestion would be for you to work on your marriage if your wife is willing. If she can't see what she's doing wrong, then you take it to the next step but only after that. That is, if that's what you want to happen.

Thing that bothers me is that you've admitted to being attracted to this friend and how much she means to you. Surely you know that your wife feels and sees this? To me, I feel that in a way, even just as you speak of your friend in contrast to your wife, that she is second. While understandable why, still, her statement is not wholly unjustified. You've had a strong emotional event with this friend and there's an attachment. I commend you for resisting it becoming something physical, but the truth is, there is still something there even as you deny yourselves.

My impulse is not to say leave your wife to be with this other woman, I would never suggest that. But I do think if your wife is unwilling to face her own toxicity, then you need to be away from her, you deserve better even if just to be single and alone.

I know my post won't be popular but this is how I see it. Know that I understand your situation in part because I was married to a controlling, degrading and toxic spoiled brat of a woman for a long time. I'm out of that relationship, and I'm better for it.