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Sometimes, the unconsciousness is good at getting from time to time, to me it may sound like there, at those times, something has trigger you and your unconsciousness. Please don't think I didn't read your post, I did. Am I right in thinking Zen Buddhist are mindful of everything and learn to contemplate life and the surrounding with serenity and like you said without harmful actions or judgments... personally I don't really know this is, that’s why I am asking, I am sorry if I got this wrong. However you know that you are human and that your life is about facing the challenges by the means of a Zen Buddhist way of life with minimal harm to others and the world around them, if I got this right. I think you need to not necessary look too deep into these thought's but try to understand that you are human and this is another thing for you to tackle and work through. Which you have done and to know that if this happens in the future all will be fine because you address these human thoughts and feelings before and have not acted upon them but work through them. Sorry if this wasn’t helpful. Wishing you all the best MIP
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