There are a lot of areas to post in, but I guess I'll start in this one. I don't remember a time when I wasn't depressed. If I had to pick a time, I guess after age 10 was when things started to go downhill. I'm not yet comfortable going into a lot of detail.

There isn't much I remember about middle school and high school except doing a lot of walking. I didn't fit in any group at school, so I just kind of tried to be invisible. During study halls and after school, I'd just walk for miles. When I was home, I was shut in my room, never interacted with my family. At 18, I attempted suicide, but was caught. (Does saying you tried to kill yourself in the past fall into the "do not post" category?). There were many more attempts to follow.

At home, my older brother was having problems and began to be violent when I was fourteen or so. At night he would crack open my door and just stare at me, sometimes for an hour or more. I'd pretend I was asleep. When he wasn't doing that, he was banging on his wall which was adjacent to mine, and screaming. I took to tying a hunting knife to the side of my bed. That went on for several years. To this day I can't sleep unless I am fully dressed and sometimes in sneakers as well in case I have to run or fight. I've been told I have PTSD. I live in a different state now, but still feel the need to be ready to get away from an attacker.

Its too soon to go into stuff in between, so i"ll just jump to the last few years. I've had migraines since I was 18, but about 16 years ago, started to have them everyday.That has progressed to 24-7 migraines with frequent breakthrough pain. They do not respond to anything but narcotics, which were perscribed by a pain clinic as a last resort. No cause has been found. Now my back has gone out, a result of sleeping in strange positions with my head elevated as laying flat increases the head pain. The last two or three years, I've only been able to work three half days a week, with the rest of my time shut in a dark room trying to minimize pain. In the last year, I rarely get into work even twice a week and sometimes not at all.

After several very bad experiences with psychiatrists and psychologists, I don't trust them anymore.

Thats about all I can do right now. I know its a spotty background, but the majority is too hard to think about let alone write about. There are doors I don't want to open.

Sam2