I seem to have two states: Distracted or depressed. If the distraction is neutral like reading a non-fiction book, then I am neutral. If it is positive, I can get myself out of my funk but only for that period of time that the distraction is there. Kind of like...when the music stops...I revert. Steady state is to be on the verge of tears every waking hour, including the hours I do not sleep, which are many. Distraction is exhausting. Anxiety, paranoia, depression, isolation, triggers, never ending emotional abuse are also exhausting. There just seems to be no way out. Well...there is one...but I've talked myself out of that final solution for the time being.

What is there besides distraction? OK...sleeping pills. Too temporary, unless I want to spend my life in a coma. Meditation doesn't work. Not distracting enough. Clearing my thoughts out allows equally bad ones in. I guess the real question is "what is there that will endure, that will not be simply a fleeting distraction or drug induced state? Anybody got any ideas? Can anybody relate?