My psych called after I told her husband I wanted her to call me as soon as she got done with her last patient. He didn't give her my messages. She talked to me about my symptoms and said to double Geodon dosage, keep taking Benadryl for sleep, and to do the intensive outpatient program. She said to call her and let her know how I am. If I become suicidal to the point of seriously considering or planning it I am to call her or mobile crisis and go into the hospital.

I told my husband what she said and he was quiet for quite awhile. Then he said after reading how bad people get on the spouses of bipolar people he's basically no longer convinced anything is wrong with me. He agrees with my mom that everybody gets mood swings and the occasional brief suicidal thought. He said I just experience it to a greater degree and don't handle it well. I didn't know what to say. Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm fine and hurt myself because I'm weak or too self centered. Maybe thinking about suicide is normal and a sign I'm weak and a brat. I've lost my rock. I feel like I've been pandered too and like an idiot. Maybe I should quit the meds, suck it up, learn to deal with stress and keep the thoughts to myself. I feel so lost and hurt.