You sound like you're really depressed to me.. Have you talked to your doctor? If I were you I'd talk to my doctor and see what he says. With any luck he'll refer you to a good therapist for depression. I think this is what you need. You need to be in therapy for depression. If he doesn't, he'll probably put you on medication for depression.

But at least see your medical doctor and see what he says, ok? I wish you the very best. Take care and God bless. Hugs, Lee