****Possible trigger thread****

My sleep's been erratic being on my period. Admittedly been extra stressed cause my dog has what seems to be inflammation on one hip--though she runs like nothing's there--I wanted to take her to the vet yesterday but was not awake/aware enough to go. I am also getting over a two-week sinus infection. On top of the crappy sleep, I hurt all over w/periods almost to the point of tears.

I decided yesterday, exhausted as I was, to stay awake until early evening and go to sleep trying to get my schedule back in track. I fell asleep (thankfully with Sleep Mask on) at 5:00pm. My bf came home with food late (he's on vacation), around 10:00. It was food I'd had before, nothing different, except the tea he got the place from is always teeth-rottingly-sweet. As a general rule tea does not bother me unless brewed really strong (and you never get that at restaurants).

I ate, laid back down. Watching tv, all of a sudden I feel that whole-body, "Uh-oh." Maybe others here know how to describe it but I can't...it's just like a full body sweat comes over me, but without the sweat, like it's internal. I thought, "hmm, this is going to be one of those doozy panic attacks"--laden with hyperventilation, full-body shaking, unable to talk, etc. I waited. None of it came on. Within less than a minute I felt my pulse triple in speed. All the while this feeling is on me, all over me. I kept thinking it's a panic attack, but none of the big stuff was happening. Also my tongue felt weird--like, kind of burned, and sensitive...can't explain that either.

Lately I've had a really hard time being outside--as much as I love this weather--because of the ragweed/hay/etc in the air; my nose and eyes itch immediately. My brother and dad both have asthma, and like allergies, that can arise at anytime. I was breathing quite normal---it might have been a little hard to take a deep breath, but I was breathing. My throat did feel tight. Also lately an incident when I was 15 kept popping up in my head, as it occurred this time of year. I went into borderline anaphylactic shock at school, face/body swelled, pumped me full of adrenaline, etc. The ER said had I been alone somewhere I probably would've died, because my throat was closing up and I had no idea. After numerous allergy tests--all negative--I went to a specialist who determined I had an allergy to my own sweat. You read that right. It's called Cholinergic Urtecaria. Basically, I have to be careful of the temperatures I'm in and how it affects my inner temperature. It's gotten a lot better, but as a teen I couldn't mow the yard/do certain stuff because I would break out in hives. I'd never had panic attacks then so I didn't know to be scared; I didn't even know my lips were swelling until someone told me.

Back to last nite. I'm recalling all this in my head, thinking, "What if this is what that was? It's been hard to breathe deep when I'm outside." My family have a plethora of life-threatening food allergies, though I'm the only one that doesn't. But I know allergies can come on at anytime. My mom is deathly allergic to fish, and I'd eaten tilapia last nite.. "Oh ****, am I allergic to fish now? Is this an allergic reaction?" The fact the typical P. attk symptoms--aside from racing heartbeat--never popped up was what scared the crap out of me. That, "Something's bad wrong" kept washing over me, and I truly felt I might black out, go into shock, anything. I told my bf, "You need to call 911." "Are you sure?" he asked (I've told him this many times before only to realize it was an attack, calmed down and never called). "Yes," I replied, truly afraid (I'm to the point with P. Attks where I'm rarely frightened of them.), "this is not a Panic Attack. This is something different." And I was very calm; also not typical for me during an episode.

He started getting ready, I called 911, told them my history w/Panic Attks, what was going on. About 15 minutes later they showed up, and nothing had gotten better or worse; my legs started to get restless, but I was talking fine, I was not out of breath, and my heart/blood pressure felt like they were going to simply explode. My bf helped me out the door, they brought the stretcher, put the oxygen in my nose, asked what was wrong, what was happening when this came on, etc. I noticed in the ride he did my blood pressure two or three times. The lights inside it were killing me, even w/eyes shut. (I'd been in an ambulance a few times because of the incident in my teens, so I wasn't afraid). Put an oxygen thing on my finger, and I was already wearing out. I had on a shirt--no bra --and shorts, and it's like 60degrees out.

Take me into a hosp room, I'm asked again why I was there, etc. Told they would do bloodwork, EKG, and chest x-rays. They hooked me up to blood pressure machine and oxygen, temperature was a bit high (fighting sinus infection). They asked about my meds, I didn't have my P. Attk med cuz my bf was driving to the hosp with it. They said they'd bring something. Someone came to take blood, and "couldn't find a vein." My family has very thin skin; no one's ever had a problem getting blood. "It is because I'm fat?" I asked. The nurse left, awhile later another one came in. I asked her. "No, it's not that. Sometimes they just don't want to cooperate." Finally got the blood. Then wheeled off to X-rays. In the midst of this, my bf arrived and sat with me, and from the ride over and laying in the bed I kept saying, "I feel so stupid. It was a Panic Attack after all. I'm wasting money and time, and part of my bf's vacation. I'm so stupid." Over and over. Bf reassured me I was only doing what I thought I needed to because I was scared. I reiterated to everyone there and him that I'd NEVER had an attack feel like this. Ever. And I've had dozens upon dozens. My OCD started kicking in too. I was so weak, stressed, damn room lights bothering the **** out of me, and I felt a strong urge to get up and go kill myself.

I've had that "immediacy" in my head before, and it's beyond frightening. It feels like a gasket has been turned on high in my brain and my head's barely containing it. I told my bf, said that my brain feels like it needs to stop this now. I need to do something to stop it because I am terrified I am going to lose my mind, go into psychosis, lose touch with reality, etc. My bf, ever calm, says, "Well if you were going to do any of it you wouldn't be cognizant of it happening, so shouldn't it make you feel a little better that you're so afraid of it because you're not losing it?" "It should, but it doesn't." I told him how I am doing everything I'm told by P-doc and T, exposing myself to anxious environments, yet here I am in a f*cking ER over the same crap I'm trying to get a hold of. It felt like utter failure; I felt like an utter failure, and depression started to set in. The X-ray tech wasn't very nice, and an impulse/thought, "Hit her," came up. This is not new; this is my OCD tried and true. But it's so much worse when I'm physically sick or unable to do something....it's like my mind is determined to get the best of me. I started crying--finally, I rarely cry anymore, thanks meds--and some of that got released.

Only there a few hours thankfully. All the tests were negative. Nurse said EKG looked better than hers, x-rays were fine, as well as all my bloodwork.

I can't say I'm glad it took that to get an EKG, but ppl have mentioned it on here and I've thought about getting one, so I'm glad I can safely say everything in my heart's normal. "So it was just a panic attack?" The nurse kindly nodded. "I have had countless ones of all kinds, and I've never had one like this." "They can crop of in many different ways," and she noted the weird feeling on my tongue is an example of that. "Ok, then how will I know in the future if I'm having an allergic reaction to something or a panic attack?" "Generally w/allergic reactions we look for swelling in the face/throat closing, inability to breathe, etc." Yeah---that last one is textbook attacks too.

I told them I was on Disability w/no insurance, and they gave me the number of billing dept when my bill comes in. I may not have to pay much, or maybe do a payment plan. I kept telling my bf, "I don't care what the cost is. I don't feel guilty about that. I was terrified something physiological---not mental---was happening, and it was worth it to find out."

Even after the benzo they brought me, I wasn't fully calm. But I could go home knowing I was ok. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. How was I unable to recognize that's what it was? Why didn't I start spasming like I always do? None of the typical stuff came up. Which freaks me out for the future....how will I know if it's an attack, or if it's something else.

Hope to see my T Friday. I want so much to get these bastards under control. I'm still on my period, which plays a role, but I feel so defeated. I feel like all of this work has been for *****. I feel like I'm right back where I started. I know I'm not. But in some ways at the moment i'm more afraid right now. Should I take the extra anxiety med more often? How am I ever going to drive or have a job with an attack like last nite? I can't put a word to how I feel right now except extreme anxiety, fear, and helplessness, and let down. Very let down.