it seems like other people function on autopilot. like they are who they are and have no control over it! like they just are who they are, without any choice in the matter. robotic and almost unknowing.

I am jealous really. I have to choose who I am and a lot of times fail at being who I need to be. It's like others don't question who they are and just be themselves.

I don't have a "myself" that I can just be.

I could be anything if I let myself just be it. I'll take it to the extreme to prove my point. I could have ended up gay. totally. It was a choice to be with a woman instead and I'm just as happy with my wife as I could have been otherwise. there was no "me" to just act naturally and be myself.

there is no "myself" to act upon. even the small things are a choice, and when I make the choices, I am just as content with them as if I chose something else.

There is no me to discover.

I have to consciously think how I am going to act in any and every situation and a lot of times my actions are not consistant. But everyone else seems to have a sense of self and act accordingly.

I was hated in school cuz of this.
I was hated in life cuz of this for a long time.

till I found a way of being that is pretty damn awesome.
but that's all it is.
acting. It's like a big play sometimes... I am always acting.
If I stop acting... I am nothing. there is nothing there to fall back on.

does anyone else go through life like this?