Hi,

First of all, thank you for anyone who reads this. I have to put my fears and anxiety behind me and just reach out here because I don't know where else to turn. Thank you so much. I really need help figuring out what I'm not doing correctly. I promise when I'm better I will return the favor and be supportive to others here. I look forward to that day.

I am in my late 30s. I was diagnosed with panic, anxiety, and depression in my 20s, and have taken Lexapro or Celexa since age 26. Around age 28 I was prescribed benzos and have taken some form of benzo every day since then. The combination of drugs worked for me until around the time I got married, about 3 and a half years ago. I started seeing a new psychiatrist who changed me from Lexapro to Seroquel. I couldn't function on it, and am still unsure as to why it was prescribed to me. I started seeing a different psychiatrist in 2010, and she put me on Cymbalta. That also did not seem to work well. I moved to the northeast from the south in late 2010 and started seeing a psychiatrist here (Dr. L). She switched me from Cymbalta to Effexor and added Lamictal. I began this regimen in early 2011.

My husband threw himself into work, and we have no friends or family here in the northeast. I used to be a very social person back home, loved people (still do), but I became a recluse and never left the apartment unless it was to grocery shop or see my psychiatrist. I started smoking marijuana which I had not done since I was a teenager. It was like I became a different person. I became dependent on it (I assume) and eventually smoked it every day.

In early 2012, Dr. L told me that since I could not afford to see her more than once a month, and because she felt I needed to be seen more often, I needed to find a new psychiatrist. While this made me sad, she did tell me she would help me find someone else, but I guess I was angry or confused, because I did not take her up on her offer to help me and just found a new one on my own through the health insurance company website, Dr. S.

I developed a serious staph infection in late 2012, and went through intense antibiotic treatment for it. Then, I broke my foot in March of this year simply from slipping on wet grass in front of the apartment. I decided in April that enough was enough and I wanted to get healthy and live again. I wanted a job. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be healthy.

I started seeing this new psychiatrist in April 2012. I told her I was interested in coming off of medication and trying holistic therapies. She brought my Lamictal down a bit, and then in May, switched me from Effexor to Zoloft. Within a few days of being on Zoloft, I started to feel like the dots weren't connecting. I went in and out of these deep dips of depression that I had never felt before. By this time, I was in the south visiting family for a couple of weeks. I called Dr. S to tell her about these symptoms and she switched me immediately to Lexapro.

When I came back here, she started weaning me off of Lexapro. By August, I was on the tiniest possible dose. I was headed back to the south for another visit with family in mid August. Dr. S told me if I had any issues to go to the drug store and fill this handwritten rx she gave me for Prozac.

Long story short, I ended up in the ER twice while back in the south. The first time, a psychiatric nurse told me that my serotonin had "bottomed out" and because I was on my period at the time, I was losing more and more serotonin. I was not in any frame of mind to think clearly or I probably would have thought "huh?" but I didn't. My family member and I believed him and anyway, that was obviously not the case, ultimately I ended up (per the advice of a family member) to voluntarily admit myself to the hospital (4 days, psychiatric unit). While there they increased the Lexapro and Lamictal.

I came back to the northeast after four weeks and went back to see Dr. S. She had me switch from the Lexapro to Pristiq and lowered the Lamictal again. She also said I should consider adding Abilify, that my marijuana use could have activated a gene for schizophrenia (?), and that I was making excuses for not getting out of the house, and I just needed to change my perspective.

I told my therapist these things, and she is in the same practice as Dr. S. She told me that this was not the first time she had heard similar stories from other clients about Dr. S, and that she was speaking to a partner at the clinic about her "on my behalf". I called Dr. S and broke up with her and am making an appointment with another psychiatrist.

I am at my wit's end - confused, sad, frustrated, heartbroken, don't know who to trust, if anyone. I have very little support structure. I'm not even sure what support system is but pretty sure I don't have it, so I am really on my own here. I know I can do this by myself, I just don't know who to trust or believe anymore. I am smoking marijuana again at night. The pain and thoughts are too much to bear. I can't get Dr. S's words out of my head, that I'm making excuses and need to change my perspective. How can I when I no longer care about myself at all? I am really just existing at this point with no hope for the future.

I have no plans to hurt myself and never did. I just want to be alone. I wouldn't end my life because someone else would just have to deal with me again and I don't want anyone to have to deal with me anymore. My biggest fantasy is to get in a car and drive to a cabin in the woods with my cat and just die alone.