I am too. It is very, unhinging, for me. Haven't been to a hospital in 4 years. Haven't been in ambulance in over 10. I called my mom once I left to let her know I was ok (my bf left her a mess). I called her when I awoke this morning (only 5 hours, despite the Adivan they gave me). She agreed I did what I felt I needed to do. But as soon as I started to talk about how down it made me feel that I didn't recognize it for what it was, how stupid I felt, what a setback it seems like, she simply couldn't hear it. "The tone" began. "I just wouldn't worry about it. It's over. It's done, there's nothing you can do about it. You did what you thought you needed to. The bill will get worked out. Just let it go, and move on." It's the tone I've heard countless upon countless times when she herself can't handle what she's hearing. Ugh. It'd be nice to not be practically the only ****ing adult around me.

I really want to talk to my T, hopefully Friday. I'll be telling my P-doc when I see him in a month. As self-fulfilling prophecy as this sounds, it makes me dread my periods that much more....

Today, even though the hay fever's getting to me, I'm tired, and worn out, I am going out w/bf and friends to a couple haunted houses. I'm taking extra P.Attk medicine with me in case. I've already taken some already. It's that or sit at home and let my mind wander about last night, which I don't need to do.

It still shocks me--denial I guess or inability to accept--that this does not kill people. I get it can cause eventual heart/blood pressure problems, etc. But that in the midst of it; in the midst of feeling completely and absolutely helpless, terrified, of one's own brain, and yet be able to get up, get on the computer, go into town. I don't know how to deal. I don't like taking the extra anxiety med. I've never overdosed or become addicted to it or even craved it. I'm just struggling and I'm sick to death of it. I love how my dad told my mom he thinks I'm making all of my crap up for attention/it's-not-that-bad/he has panic attacks too but he goes to work, etc. Hmm, guess he's forgotten he spent over a quarter of a century dealing with his issues by blacking out and chugging alcohol. I'm sober through all of this, thanks!