I don't want this to go too long but also I want you to know everything so I'm going to put this in point form.

- Dated for 2 years
- Girl of my dreams
- Planned to get married, I already have a ring and was going to propose
- She was pushing for marriage more than I was
- Seemed to be the perfect relationship
- She met someone else, admits that she was attracted to him but promises she is committed to me and we work through it
- A week later she breaks up with me, believes that God has told her to
- Says she still wants a future with me and still loves me, just needs time apart.
- Her decision: Separation for 5 months, then we can meet again and re-assess (It's already been 3 months since) She promises me that she won't see anyone else during this time and that she will wait for me.
- She starts seeing that guy she met just a week earlier on the same day she broke up with me. I found out the hard way.
- Things didn't work out with them shortly after. He took advantage of her and forced himself onto her. She admitted this to me and apologized. Admitted to feeling very ashamed of herself.
- We're not allowed to talk or to be in contact at all until January, her rules

I can't fully grieve because there's no closure. I try to hold on to hope but I feel used as I feel that she really just left me for someone else. I feel like I'm just being strung along as a safety net for her and who knows what's going to happen when we finally meet in January. I'm trying not to judge her, I'm trying to get out of my own imagination of what she might be doing. I don't feel I can trust her anymore and yet I still want to be with her. I love her and I want to give her another chance, I can forgive what she's done if she wants another chance too but it's this waiting that is killing me. I don't want to wait and just hold on to the hope that she'll come back if she's already decided that it's not going to work. I feel so weak and desperate for her. She didn't give me any good reasons for the break up just that God had told her to do it. We didn't have any major problems and generally were very good at communicating and talking things through.

I just really want someone on my side. I'm not perfect but I don't think I deserve this. I'm trying my best to be confident and move on with or without her but I just can't. I've also lost my job recently and have been battling depression for most of this year because of various issues, this break up has been the worst though, like I've hit rock bottom. I have a history with self destruction that I have been avoiding for several years but now more than ever I want to return to those vices of drinking, drugs, and cutting. I am experiencing some suicidal ideation. Please help.

Thank you for reading.