there are a lot of things going on with you, but its not punishment for anything you did. someonetimes we get a bad hand. you got a bad hand but this isnt anything you could control, at least not yet. I am sorry that you lack a support system. do you have a psychologist? someone who will help you learn to deal with everything your feeling? as you gain tools, you will feel in more control and less likely to have a reason to "blame" your actions on your illness. you are not wrong to want to talk to someone....we all need to talk to people and feel like we have approval. if these things seem like they are overwhelming you then consider trying medication to quiet the thoughts so that you can better function...there is nothing wrong with that. Heyy, but in the end, know that you are not worthless...it is not your fault and you could not prevent these things from happening...no matter how intelligent you are (some mental illnesses effect those of higher intelligence anyway), but that you dont need to feel like this, try meds, talk to a psychologist, and find a support system...because you are worth it.