I had a very bad episode a week ago, worst I had every felt, I now believe it was a reaction to a change in my anti depressants.

But I'm now back to my old self which isn't good either.
I have been diagnosed with depression approx 3 years ago, it came to light when I had a breakdown from everything that was going on in my life. 3 kids with ADHD, 2 with OCD, 2 with ODD, my wife had just been diagnosed with ADHD, and had gotten herself into $ 40,000.00 in debt (how does someone who didn't work and have bad credit get this much credit). I was at a point that I couldn't go on any more. I was put on anti depressants and my wife and I started marriage counseling. It was s struggle but we started to move forward. I was taken off anti depressants after 18 months.

It's now 18 months later and I'm back on anti depressants. What I am learning is that I've had depression for as long as I can remember, probably since the age of 6 or 7 (I'm now 50). Through out my live I have been shy and have low self esteem. I am relatively intelligent, but I feel that I always fall short of what I'm capable of. I believe that through all of this I must have learned how to cope with this to keep myself going. The problem is that the coping I have learned is also keeping me from moving ahead. I have always avoided get together's, parties etc that included people I didn't know or there were more than a few people. I never know how to start a conversation and when I get into one all I can do is talk about myself. I know I should ask questions and talk about others but I get so nervous I end up talking about me again. When there is a conversation with many people I listen for something to have input on, but by the time I get it out I'm 2 or 3 topics behind. I always feel like I'm not involved and end up just sitting there silent. When ever I try to read things I can't stay focused. I have not had a hobby or an activity I can stay involved in. I curl on a team with 5 players so whenever we all show up 1 of us has to sit out. I always happily volunteer. I bought a motorcycle 2 years ago, I love to ride but could be bothered to spend the 15-20 minutes to get ready to go. My wife has me in a bowling league (2 years ago), which started great, but now we only have 1 original member and all I do is sit by myself.

I have always worked hard and have always been employed. For the last 7 years I have had a business partnership, selling retail windows and doors. My business partner now wants to go on his own. He says that this is just him, he has always moved on, but I can't help but feel it's about me. He has always been the social guy, building contacts, takes the bull by the horn. I'm more of a person who does really well with a customer and closes a higher percentage of jobs than most. What I'm not good at is the going after new leads from social meetings, getting involved with the Camber of Commerce etc. When I go to these meetings I just freeze and hide. My business partner is very good at this and get leads. He has also joined a group called BNI. This is a group where there is only 1 member from each type of business and you are required to give written referrals every week. This has also brought him a lot of business. I'm to scared of doing this alone and I don't have the social skills to look for an investor or partner. I'm going to just start looking for a job working for someone else, but this means that all our plans will have to change as I will not be bringing in enough money to support our life style, which isn't that great already. We have to still get over my wife's debt, our monthly medication alone costs over $ 700.00. Our kids can't be watched by a normal babysitter when we are now both at work due to their special needs, so if we need one with the new job this will be expensive.

I have always used my job as a refuge from the stresses of daily life. I would always stay at work for 10-14 hours a day. Now with the changes going to happen (4 months) it no longer is my refuge. I don't know how but I have ended up going to a couple of strip bars as my refuge. I'm attracted to the conversation of the few girls I've met. With this business now slower than usual they will spend time to talk with you. For me it's great a pretty girl listens to me, doesn't make me feel awkward, seems always supportive. I know it's what they do to get customers, but it still feels good. I do end up going to the VIP area, but more out of a feeling of obligation for their time than anything else.

I don't see any future, I don't want to harm myself but can't help thinking that I probably wont live much longer. I have spurts of ideas, but i either don't remember them or I can get motivated to start them. I've needed to paint our house, fix some doors etc, but I can't get motivated so there is all sits for years. I don't know were to turn, or what to do. If I ignore things I can cope, but I know it will soon come falling down. On one hand all I want to do is leave my wife and family, end all this pressure, get away from the all the chaos associated with ADHD, ODD, OCD. Then all I can think about is how can I be a quitter, leave my family when they obviously also suffer from disabilities. What kind of person even thinks about it.

I have also noticed that I can't seem to get myself involved with my own family. Yesterday was Halloween and I could even get myself home to take them out. I would have if my wife was not able to, but I had no interest in being there if I didn't have to. I ended up at the bar talking. How big of an ***** does that make me.

I'm not looking for sympathy. What I want is to just vent, put my feelings down so I can go back to them.
I know I shouldn't put myself down, but how can a good person think about leaving their family, when their problems are worse than anyone else's.
Why can't I want to be more involved with my own children. How can I go to strip bars.How can I get out of feeling that all I want is to disappear and live my life somewhere different and away from everything I know so wanting to be alone is what I feel is normal.

Sorry for the ranting I just don't know where to go from here. I've been to the doctor, I'm scheduled to see a therapist, but it's taken 8 weeks so far and it's still 3 weeks away. I know it's not reasonable but I want a quick easy fix, I'm just so tired of feeling alone, feeling like a loser, making decisions I make because of my depression instead of a good sound choice.