That really makes me sad to hear, Wolfin. It does. Fletch, thank you. The biggest thing in my life is how utterly alone I feel. I think that's the biggest reason I chased her. The fact my genitals work like a compass, pointing me in the direction I ought to go, is just a secondary thing. She made me feel less alone in the world. Like she understood me. For a while. Maybe I didn't love her. I keep wondering that. I'm afraid my love was just an obsession born from the overwhelming emotions that spin out of nothing. Maybe I did love her, but the idealized her that I had created to exist in my fantasy world. I'd blame her for my misery at the same time. They should put me in a textbook.

I had a secondary assesment earlier. Waiting for the call to schedule my treatment plan. The therapist was nice to me. I like that. Listened and asked good questions. Didn't patronize or ignore me. I hate that. Something I brought up was that I thought I'd thrown my scruples in the trash somewhere along the way. She said that maybe the chaos just made me think that. Maybe she was right. I hope so. I still can't forgive myself for things I did at sixteen. Reminding myself just rubs salt in the old wounds. She told me to write down my old morals and see if they still apply. I spent about a half hour remembering what I used to say I believe in. Being sixteen was nice. A sophomore who thought he knew everything. Remembering things I did helps, too.

I always concentrate on my failures. I wrote down at least twenty names. Twenty people I failed. Every single one of those names I'd also done something for. Some of them I even championed. A few I've saved. For a time, anyway. I'm tired, so maybe I'm just ranting about nothing. My blood boils when I remember my failures. My constant failures. After talking to her, the knot left my stomach, so I'll consider that a good omen. What does this have to do with anything? I'm a screw up. I care about people. I'm a nervous wreck. Maybe I've got a warped self image and fractured sense of identity, but maybe, just ****ing maybe, I managed to become at least part of what I prayed to be.

I went through phases, some long, some short. My perspective of myself changed each time. Maybe I don't want to be a hero, anymore. That's okay. But I still want to be special, to make a difference. I want to help people. Why? Well, I care. That, and I really like the feeling I get when something goes right. One of the things I believe in is self-sacrifice. Another is doing the right thing just because. And not needing a reason to help. Why did everything in my life go straight to Hell? Maybe I forgot that. Maybe I forgot what mattered and I had to be woken up, so I could realize my hypocrisy, cowardice, and weakness.

Why does anything matter? I'm trying to keep an Existentialist philosophy, but I'm slowly budging to Nihilism. Everything is sapping the life from me. Damn it, I want a reason to believe. All the good in my life can't compare to the ********. I help people, I fail. I hurt, I make things worse. Right now I'm in one of my empty moods, so that's why the track got lost. Maybe I just wanted you all to know I wasn't just pain, sins, mistakes, and failures. There's good in me. At least some. Somewhere. Deep down. Probably. Maybe. Not really. I think I tried to imply that to the therapist. After I mentioned one little episode and a lackluster trait of my personality. Namely when I lost control and pulled a Darth Vader on my brother. Yeah, I lifted by the neck and choked my retarded, asperger's, physically stunted brother. No, I have never forgiven myself for this. My brother is still afraid of me, even though I've spent three years trying to be a Saint to him and my equally disabled sister. I was under extreme emotional stress and being pushed to my breaking point. My eyes dialated, things got hazy, and I just fell into rage. Things like this used to happen a lot. Now I have to repress my emotions and deny everything to keep myself in check. I don't go out trying to do things like this. They just kind of happen when I lose control. When that other side of me comes out to play. What's that other side of me? It's filthy and embarressing, but only on two or three occassions every seriously immoral. I can be a lech, playfully, with people I care about. When I'm high, it's still okay, just escalated. When I lose control, I'm a manipulative, disgusting bastard. It makes me feel dirty, but it only damages friendships. A bit. Sometimes. Usually. Pretty often. I made a promise with one of my last friends to put it in the cage next to the anger. Yep. That's apparently what I amount to. Lust and Wrath. I don't know why she had me mention the latter, though. I guess there's that Freudian root. Yeah, I'm making a joke to disguise the fact that I'm forcing myself to feel nothing so I don't burst into tears or break something. Yeah, I'm a real piece of work.

I can't believe how many names were on that list. It was missing people to. Why am I so awful at being good? I want to do the right thing. I want to help people. But I lose control and the psychotic emotions ruin everything. I'm exhausted and now I can't think of anything else I want to share. I'm just angry at myself more than anything. Don't know who else to blame. Lately I've not *****ed about my younger years, because I just don't care. Yeah, abuse, neglect, bullying, ostracism: I've been alone my whole life and I'm still alone. The one person who I ever thought had a connection with me - who made me feel less alone never wants to hear from me again and I can't even tell her I'm sorry. Maybe it was all one massive lie, one giant make believe reality, but it ****ing meant something to me. It meant everything. To not feel alone. I would have burned the world for that. I would have burned the world for her. Anything, just so I wouldn't be alone. Yeah, the tears that come every time I say that, that says something. I still don't understand why out of everything that's wrong with my life, I choose her to fixate everything on.

What's my DBT "Goal"? I said I wanted my own validation and approval. To get some self respect and confidence. So I can pursue happiness instead of flee pain. Does that matter? Probably not. What's my goal for this place? Meet some friends and maybe help some people out while I work through things and get my own help. Cheers.