I wish I could write like some other people on here to express myself but I can't so I won't try. This time of year is always tough for me for a number of reasons. It's when the lack of sunlight affects me. It's the anniversary of when the harassment and retaliation I received at my last job caused my symptoms to become so bad that my doctor told me I could not return. This started a legal battle that lasted almost five years. Now yesterday my wife informed me that she can no longer do this, or wants to do this. Basically she told me that she wants to leave.
The night before last we got into a fight where I was trying to tell her that I feel like she seldom validates me. Her response to this was, exactly, I feel the same way. Either way, when the fight was over I left the house and almost committed suicide. I called my crisis hot line for the first time and talked to a guy that said a lot of garbage, but had a couple of nuggets of wisdom I could use.
Yesterday I saw my T and he almost committed me to the hospital, but I talked him out of it. I am currently staying at my brother and sister in law's house till after the weekend. I don't know what to do, my life as I know it is crumbling before my eyes and there is nothing I can do about it. I refuse to feel the pain because my emotions have done nothing but cause me pain. I hurt so much I can feel it in my stomach, throat and can hear my pulse in my head. I don't know if I can do this, or if I want to do this.
I feel like every time I try to do the right thing, people will applaud me for doing it and say they could never have done it, but it causes me pain and strife afterwards. I don't know, I just don't know if I can do this anymore.......