I ended up not going to the haunted house. Though I'd been before, I knew I would have a P. attk again and I didn't have the energy for it so I stayed home. Since the ER visit, severe depression hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt embarrassed, down, pissed off (yet another kind of panic attck to look out for), helpless. I had a really really good cry the night before last. It all started tumbling out to my bf--what all's been on my mind, possible triggers, etc. One, I hate even admitting, is my father. I haven't spoken with him in going on 8 months, because he decided I no longer wanted him to contact me (long story, he's extremely defensive and to be a recovering alcoholic has no more maturity than he did when he drank). He thinks I'm making all of this up and that I must enjoy getting my "check" every month.

He and my mom are still friends (she divorced him when I was 13), and the fact they hang together but he can't contact his kid....
So, that has been on my mind some lately, on top of all the other crap in my life. I fantasize about unleashing my rage on him; not physically, but letting him have it with every word I can muster; I did it when I was 16 and he was actively drinking. I held nothing back; my mother and grandmother graciously sat and let me. It did no good except make me feel better. I try to shrug off how much he's hurt me this year, but it's down there deep whether I admit it or not.

Anyway, last nite I had a panic attack like the one that sent me to the ER. Thankfully I caught it for what it was. I stripped down to my underwear because I was getting so flushed, and had my bf lay wet cloths on me. I took my P. attk med and curled up in bed. No spasms, no hyperventilating, no crying. It's a foreign kind of attack for me. I would give anything to have the ones that cause convulsions over these past two anyday.

I've finally gotten decent sleep the last couple nights, but I don't get much physical relief because the hay fever outside drives my eyes into itching fits. Saw my T today, and she pointed out how my dad has been a source of stress for me for months now. It pisses me off he still plays such a part in my emotional-ness, in my spirit. I want to hate him, and on some level I certainly do, but more than that I am hurt and mystified.

I was glad to be up early today to get errands done, but I'm not sure my eyes/sinuses can take whatever the hell is in the air outside. I'm tired of being confined to this g*ddamn house. I'm tired period. My T says for me to try to accept my P Attks for now, and not try so hard to grasp control over everything.... I know what she's getting at.

I just wish sometimes I could exist without having to eat, or pee, or shower, or move. Just not do anything at all, and not feel like **** for it.

I think today is going to be very up and down. While it's true that not all moods are simply Bipolar, I think my current headspace is directly correlated. Along with the hayfever accompanying one of my favorite times of year.

I may or may not be around here for a few days. Not because of what's been going on w/me per se, but because, honestly, sometimes getting on here is downright depressing, and somedays I can't give anyone any comfort.