I want it to stop and the only way that seems possible is either running away or dying and the former never worked, never, I tried and it didn't and it just got worse and the latter I tried too but it didn't work and I don't see any other options but to just try one of them again. And dying seems so much easier. Like sleeping, permanently. People treat it with so much fear, like it's a terrible thing--but it happens to everyone. It's the natural order and what difference does it make if it happens sooner rather than later to me?