Power-- I'm so sorry you're in such a terrible situation, and that it's hitting you at a time of year when you're already vulnerable. I can't offer much except something that happened to me a couple of months ago. I was in a very dark place, my head filled with thoughts that I can usually hold at bay, and it suddenly came to me that "this isn't me," that the pain was in me but not me, that I couldn't let it win, and that pulled me out of the spiral. The pain isn't you. You are more than the pain-- much more, from what I see in your posts. Hold on. This may sound like standard inspirational boilerplate, but for some unknown reason it worked for me, and I hope it's of some use. My best thoughts to you.