Hello.

I am still trying to tone down my talking and I feel like I am not doing any better with that.

I have tried to respond to threads tonight and if my responses were not good, I apologize. Again, I am just a fellow pwbpd who is also struggling and empathizing with your struggles as best I can. I don't know everything; just my own experience.

My uncle's mother passed away last month and we are going to her memorial tomorrow morning. I feel very anxious because I don't know if I will make it. My insomnia has been severe (Ani thinks that's why I ended up in ER last Tuesday with chest pains; sleep deprivation) and all week, I have been getting up at noon or 1pm just to keep my sleep hours good; I can't go under 8 hours anymore. If I do, I have heart palpitiations and nausea.

So, I hope I get some sleep tonight; ER doc did prescribe some ativan, but only for a few more days.

My obsession with Boukreev has not been any better. (see "more push pull, even in a fantasy" thread if you don't understand about my Boukreev thing.) I still can't stop thinking about him, even though I try very hard to stay distracted during the day. Nights are hard. Fantasies coming in. I have got to get up the nerve to find a gp or even a pdoc to help me with this and *not ****ing laugh at me* this time! The fantasy keeps me awake!

I hate bpd.

I hate what it does to me and others around me, incl. you guys.

I feel so needy and inept and ugly.

Ani worked hard with me today on my self-esteem.

I am too wound up to write on my new group but I will get to it soon.

Safe weekend, people.

Love (in only the way I can, sorry lol)

Carol